In my worst, I’m able to fully convince myself that it is indeed me who is in charge. In charge of my drinking and how to keep it going. In charge of knowledge that there are no real thoughts and feelings because I know full well that it can all be broken down to chemicals and synapses. You see, I know this. And that makes me in charge. And it makes me right.
And oh, that is exactly what propelled my down the road with my best friend, alcohol. Knowing I was right, and everyone else was just full of empty wishes, was my downfall. Still today, it creeps back into my mind and takes up residence in its comfortable home. Recently I’ve been taking specific steps to make that home less comfortable.
These steps have proven to be beneficial:
1. Force myself to listen without judgement.
2. Make myself willing to consider other views, or better yet, open myself to the wisdom of others without considering anything.
3. At the end of each day, actually writing down at least one example of these from my actual experience that day: Gratitude, Good, Glitch, Goal.
4. Read aloud this excerpt from Thomas Merton at least 4 times daily:
“The reality that is present to us and in us:
call it Being … Silence.
And the simple fact that by being attentive by learning to listen
(or recovering the natural capacity to listen)
we can find ourself engulfed in such happiness that it cannot be explained:
the happiness of being at one with everything in that hidden ground of love
for which there can be no explanations …
May we al grow in grace and peace,
and not neglect the silence that is printed in the centre of our being.
It will not fail us.”
Recovering the natural capacity to listen. Amazing.